The Eclipse. 

In persuading you,
I’ve lost pieces of my insides

and out we come monsters

sorrowing the night filling it with

sex and white noise. 

What do I do with such a great void?

Do I wait and use my brain

or do I accept the fate my dreams

have been haunting me with at night?

There will always remain

the lines under my eyes in which

I’ve strained to keep us alive.

When is the cut-off between

love and sacrifice?

To just be,

will be the greatest challenge 

from your absence of my smile

from the sweet smell of hope

as the wind carries my hair and

caresses my skin,

telling me everything will be fine.

I look into the round moon and starlit sky

and wonder why I ever doubted to

succeed, to just be. 

Maybe parts of us have died to

remind us what it’s like to really be alive. 

Solar Dart Practice

image

At sunset I followed hope into the night

leading into another day

to take chances in making it better again.

Hope was the moon reflecting

off of the trees,

the darkness took volume to

the lump in my chest. 

How can you just “be”

when my limbs are crawling

to retreat from permanent memories;

and what to make of the new?

Maybe the coldness made you safe

from the unfamiliar sun.

Light peeks through the bushes,

replacing the eyes that watched

your every move…

It’s all in this world,

and it’s all in your head. 

"Dictionary"

I can’t deny how fond I am of you but

maybe I’m just a fan.

Maybe loving you isn’t hard

but watching you walk

like you aren’t carrying me

how I carry you

is pain in a new dictionary. 

Seasons

Indefinitely searched for reasons

why a person has to hide

or feel like seasons

Moving on.

Plants whither and die and the sky moves on to spring.

Emotionless or indifference.

Emotionless or indifference.
Sometimes, we as people take emotions for granted. As I model more I realize the emotions that I have trouble expressing are the ones I burry deep inside. Modeling is my tattoo on life. Showing scars I can’t begin to explain unless it’s through art. Therapy is facing the very thing that makes you human.

Today Has Just Begun

My anxiety lately has become less shaky and more nauseating.  How simple it would be if you would just see me, and I would see you, for what it really once was.  We set each other free, and at the same time, we sunk each other deep. 

I will be running on caffeine and cigarette dreams for you my love. 

Love is a losing game.

I am so in love with you I am making myself sick.  And I’m not trying to keep you on my mind, but you won’t leave.  No matter what I do, who I do.. It’s been almost two months now, it feels like two years. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Tongues.

This isn’t poetry this time. 

I have been thinking a lot lately.  Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth; I wonder what people actually think of me, and then I portray myself to be something outrageous and confident when my words speak differently.  Truth is I’m really lost, my mind has many mazes that seem to have no destination, but dangles the prize.  Maybe I don’t owe people my thoughts, maybe I just need to hear myself say it out loud to make it real…

And so I remember, I was very reserved and kept to myself.  I was mysterious and people really liked/hated that about me.  I wrote down all my feelings, and then I could understand why I was feeling a certain way and how I could fix it. 

I currently wear my heart on my sleeve, telling my life story to people who don’t let me finish, and then tell me theirs.  I’m carrying baggage, and luggage, and only the carry on is mine.  I have felt the need to help people with their demons for a long time, hoping that someone would help mine.  Even making it really obvious to people that I’m codependent on their words, sometimes their tongues.  I’ve made my demons too real, too loud.

In this case, words spoke louder, and my demons took action.  They have won.  But not for long…

The word of the day is “vulnerable” and I have written this across my forehead for the world to see.  And today, this ends, tongues stop, I connect to myself.  Let the writing commence

Making priorities where I’m not prioritized. 

There’s the lie.